This post may open up a can of worms (later) but it's been stirring up in me for the past year and last night I have may shown the wedge that I knew and recognized existed between my father and I, that he didn't acknowledge. You see, we have a rocky past. It is mostly all his doing. As a grown child I still believe he is the reason our past relationship was rocky. However, as much as my mom hated him she always preached to us "Honor thy mother and thy father and thy days will be long." So, therefore, I have always had a constant struggle with my feelings about his past choices and lifestyle as I became older and more mature. At the age of twenty-one, after the birth of my first child I began to put those angry feelings aside and that open the door for my son to have a wonderful Pawpaw and later my second son. I thought I put quite a bit of it behind me, but the past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.
I began to notice little things about him during '09 that just annoyed the hell out of me, like trying to give fatherly advice or sticking his noise where it was uninvited. I wanted to yell out to dude, "Just be the grandfather. Too late for Daddy."
He recently answered his calling to preach. I believe he was called but I don't believe there is much of a change in him except for his lifestyle but not his thoughts or beliefs. I don't even think he even acknowledges his past wrong doings toward others. I accept his calling but I don't kiss his you know what for it either. It is what it is.
He called me yesterday to say he was staying with me for 3 days while he attended a church conference. I didn't want him to stay but I never interjected to say he couldn't. So, he thought he could stay. I have to add that there have been some things that he has done to my husband in the past to make him feel uncomfortable but my husband tolerates him because he loves me and he knows the relationship with my dad is weird, at best. I knew my dad staying would make my husband uncomfortable in his own home and I just don't trust my dad to be that close to me in my life to stay at my house for one day, so certainly not three. The strange thing is I will let my kids stay with him. They love him and trust him. I respect their relationship. Something about him being in my environment bothers me. I don't mind going to his because I can leave or take my kids out of it. It probably has something to do with my childhood memories of him with his relationship with my mother and possibly something to do with him picking up with another family after he and my mom finally called it quits.
Well, I thought about those 3 days and decided I am not enough of a big girl to suck it up and let him stay. I gave him a BS excuse about it not being a good week for overnight guest, I hadn't discussed it with my husband and that we really didn't have a place for him to sleep anyway. It was obvious that it was BS but I wanted to be nice about it instead of bring up old horrible memories in which he probably has buried away but I for some reason this past year fought to push away. No sense in both of us being upset. When I gave him the excuses his response was a very dry, "Oh."
The man had the nerve to sound as if he was mad. I offered to help find a hotel and he dryly declined. This made my decision feel right. Still the same guy who thinks his kids owe him something.
Here it is 5 days after the New Year when I decided to take on NO STRESS and he unintentionally brings it on me.
All day I have been saying to myself WOOSAH! WOOSAH! Work through these emotions. WOOSAH!
I told my husband that the situation didn't bother me but obviously it does. He knew I was lying.
WOOSAH!
7 comments:
In the end - your standing up for yourself and saying "no" - regardless of your reasons which shouldn't even need to be spoken of - will mean less stress. I don't think there was a "no stress" option here.
Thanks IG - validation by any means feels good.
Family issues can be sticky! I feel you with the Woosah! I should have tried that earlier!
Relationships with parents can be so vastly different from person to person, and even if you feel that you experienced some of the "same things" as other people...your experience is uniquely yours.
That said, you have to do what you know will make you comfortable. Not that comfort is what we should ALWAYS strive for, but a peaceful home for our chilren and our spouses...OUR FAMILY....certainly IS what we strive for. :)
Oh so tricky those adult relationships with our parents. I've struggled with some of the same issues myself. Two things helped me find peace and closure: A great counselor and having my own children grow up and become adults.
These two things didn't "fix it" or change anything in the past. We still get on each others' nerves from time to time. But I now have a different perspective which helps me to handle the relationships instead of letting them handle me.
He just called to TELL you that he was going to stay at your house. He didn't bother to ASK? Wow, yeah that's doing way too much.
I can agree with this on so many levels!
"Just be the grandfather. Too late for Daddy."
In my case, just replace father with Mother! *sigh*
(I am here by way of MomsWeb) just wanted to let you know just in case you were wondering who is this woman all up in your comment box! LOL
It can be the most painful thing to deal with family.
I'm sorry it's so hard.
I firmly believe that we do not forget the wrongs we do to others or how we treat them, unless we are bereft of a conscience.
Your father should be pounding out his example of love with his family before he goes preaching it.
The moment he calls you and say: we need to talk and I mean really talk so he can take responsiblity for his part in the relationship you have, then you'll know he is indeed changed.
I do hope it gets better.
I do not know my father. I'd like to, but alas it's not up to me.
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